silentshouting_of_jess's Xanga

Butterrrrrr;

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 06:15:29 GMT

We all know how disgusting butter is for you. All the saturated fat it contains.

Well apparently Kiwi's have the highest consumption of butter per person, worldwide. Something like 8 killos per person, per year!! Australia is only 3kg per person. Haha. I say only. I'm going to use the holier-than-thou tone because I don't eat butter. (pretty much.)

But seriously... That's disgusting New Zealand!!!

Mother monkey;

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 00:28:10 GMT

Tully Makker

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 10:27:24 GMT

"I used to sing
I used to be
Disconsolate, alone, yet free
Now that my soul has been encased
Whatever will become of me?.... "

Paulina Simmons

Baby Rhino;

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 03:26:48 GMT

I used to write. I used to love it.
And then some people got hurt. Some people got confused.
I was thinning the line between idealistic living and reality.
Safe to say that I've missed it. But careful not to even put a toe over the line.

Some things are just meant to be kept private.

But what's happenning? Who is this girl??
... Who knows...

I had a great time back in Malaysia. Who wouldn't, surrounded by the greatest people. Old school friends who know you better than you know yourself. Even after a year of silence we come back and it's still all there. No doubt we've all changed. A lot.
But then I wonder, do we still love each other the way we did? Or are we more in love with the idea that we can come back to the best friends we've had in our whole life, and nothing's changed?
I pray that we do not throw it all away.

Being back in Wellington just feels so... unfulfilling. Uni doesn't start for another 5 weeks. The boyfriend has gone for another 5 weeks to South Africa. To work as a volunterr in a wildlife rehabilitation centre and he gets to play with baby Rhinos! It's baby season now. How unbelievable.
Last night, this wave of jealousy came over me. And I had to do a double take, because it was indeed the wrong type of jealousy. Enough said. I prayed that I could feel one hundred percent, genuinely happy for him to be able to have such an amazing experience. The kind of happiness a mother would feel for their son, who has succeeded in something they are passionate about.

Other than that, I'm looking for a flat with 3 other girls. It's proving to be the mad mission. There's either nowhere available, or too expensive, or out in the bloody wop wops.
Might end up living alone this year.
Great.

My thousandth attempt at reignition;

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 06:13:09 GMT

Yeah, okay so this is just getting silly guys!
Why do I bother keeping a blog that I never write in anymore? Nobody loves me for it anymore. So nobody's going to visit my page.
It's all quite pointless isn't it.
... Sentimental value, most likely!

Hmmm.. It's starting to look a little childish, don't you think? I'm 18 years old forgoodness sake!
Well no, 19 years old tomorrow! Oh, indeed.

What difference does it make, the constant drone onwards, upwards, older and uglier. What's a larger digit on your age? 19 years old has got no real significance to me. I mean who the hell wants to be 19? The most un-special age there is to be while still being called a youngster.

Now, 16 was a good age. My favourite number. Got hurt the most.
17, still considered young, but had the most fun.
18, learnt the most. Especially about myself. Seeing glimpses of that person.

19 better have something significantly special about it. Stupid piece of shit age, better not let me down.

Let's do it aye, live this 19 year olds' life with a passion.

I will inspire your interest, reignite your love for me. Just give me time.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 07:47:58 GMT

It's scary to not know what the future holds.
But at the same time it's exciting.

When we look ahead, what do we see ourselves as? Do we percieve our success by the people we know? Or the things we've done? Or the fortune we own? Or the person we're with?

There it is again.

A genuine fear, that the one person I would most want to see me become great; may possibly die in the ever so not distant future.

But then again.

We're not meant to know what the future holds.
Are we?

Yes yes and sometimes life isn't fair either.

Shut up. Suck it up.

Don't chastise me for not having all the answers!

Monday, October 06, 2008

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 03:02:06 GMT

Wow I can't believe how ridiculously fucked off I am right now. Pretty calm, and able to think rationally but seriously. to get me this bloody fucked off is a big achievement!

Am I hurt? Well, yes. that too, but that's a different story.

What is it that I'm so frustrated about?
~~Well. The fact that I'm not on par with anyone in good communication. Not better or worse, but just unable to connect. Seriously? Nobody in New Zealand? Why is it so hard?~~
Can you imagine how fucking frustrating it is not being able to really exspress how I feel. What I really feel just keeps on getting cooped up inside, possibly because of being cut down all the time. And when it does come out I can't communicate it properly. It just comes out all wrong. Especially to those who matter the most here?

I miss the conversations we'd have where we wouldn't need to say anything at all, and you'd know exactly what I'm talking about. How I felt. And just everything about the situation.
I miss how you'd listen to me ramble on about all sorts, and even if u weren't that interested you'd atleast feign an interest. I miss that. I miss you. Muchos. I miss just talk into the night about anything and everything. I'd cry on your shoulder and you'd be there for me.

I've been here for a year nnow. It's crazy to think that I haven't made that connection with anybody. Is there actually something wrong with me? I don't find it hard at all to make friends. But to be able to trust them. That's a different story.
I've got friends always crying on my shoulders, butI've got nobody to turn to just to let it out. Well. Atleast I thought I did.

But forget all that. I can't keep going on like this. Something's gotta change. Something's making me really miserable. And whatever it is. It's going.

I'll have to figure that out first though.

I long for that depth in a relationship more than anything.
It seems so unfair.

I've resorted to coming home and slamming doors and punching walls. Lol. What the hell right? I'm turning into an teenage boy!

Yeah.

There's only so much a girl can handle.

Red split ends;

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 01:45:36 GMT

Whether you like being identified by your hair, or not, I guess you can't help it if you have hair that looks like this:

Though it did go through heaps of transition stages.

Back in the young old days aye.

And then chopped it off and dyed it some weird mix of red and orange.

Red underneath. That's right.

Ginger! Nah. Just kidding, that's just the bleached out stage.

And then back to red.

Yes, and when you've had that for the past 4 years of your teenage life, I guess people can't help but identify you by it aye. What's worse is that coming to Kiwiland, nobody's ever seen me with long black hair! They instantly got to know me as the Chinese chic with Red hair. Not that it's a bad thing or anything... But... I've come to a very big crossroads in my life people. Haha. I think only Kripiss would feel my pain. He knows how drastic hair changes can drastically change people and drastically alter people's perceptions of them and drastically.... just be very drastic.

I seriously need to do something! After four years of constant bleaching my hair is dying!! Well it's already dead, yeah, but you have no idea! The extent of my dry split ends - oh, it is heart breaking! So pretty much I have to change my hair, because I am in danger of having all my hair fall out and become completely bald. Yes, we do want to prevent that from happenning. We do.

I have my friends all saying, You won't be Jess without your red hair!
Omg it's going to be so weird without the red hair.
It'll be so hard to spot you amongst the masses at uni now.
You'll look so plain!

WHAT?! I never look plain! What an insult.

Guys...

I think I'm going through and identy crisis.

Oh gosh, what have I become aye. My parents would be ashamed of me! Hahaha.
What to do, oh what to do......

But mind you, I do love the red hair... Don't get me wrong.

Southern Cross;

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 01:51:21 GMT

Dude, so we got into the Southern Cross finals. It's not a very big competition but it's fun y'know. So Patrick and I signed up as a couple and they place you in teams. In on team there is one Ceroc couple, one Salsa couple, one Latin American couple and one Rock 'n' Roll couple. And through each round we battle it out against our own dance style competitors and add up our points.

Last night were the finals.

And my team, CAME FIRST PLACE!

Somebody videoed the final round but to be honest it's not all that great. I'll show the heats another time.

Supernational Interstars;

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 06:40:06 GMT

Rihanna and Chris Brown are coming to Wellington as part of their New Zealand tour at the end of October. I'm pretty sure you all know who they are already since they're pretty much the biggest rising International Superstar labelled youngsters of the decade. Their tickets sold out with 20 minutes of sales being open. That's pretty ridiculous. Now don't take me wrongly, I'm not bummed out or anything. Not at all. I wouldn't exactly say I'm Rihanna & Chris Brown's biggest fan so much so that I'd want to go to their concert.

But that's the thing though. I secretly kind of do. Even though it's bloody R & CB, I'm pretty sure I'd enjoy it.

But anyway, they've gotta be the world's most ironic couple in the world. Both of which are worldwide known, young, hitting multiple #1 hits, MTV Video Music Awards, Platinum Records, topped Billboard singles charts superstars. etc etc. How does a couple like that survive in this world?

Hey man, if you think you've got a tender relationshp, just look at that! Haha. Oh how it does crack me up. Anyways, why am I talking about that. Seriously, who gives a shaite.

Guess who else is coming lil' old Wellington. Peaches is bringing her beat-frenzy electro-madness back to NZ shores. Waheeey. She was the mad hit of 2 Big Day Out festivals, but you guys probably wouldn't know/care.

Oh! But wait, there's more!

Who has had 30 millions album sales, 11 Grammy Awards, four US #1 albums, a name-check from Bob Dylan, and most recently being awarded the prestigious honour of recording the Bond theme with Jack White?
Alicia Keys ofcourse. Who will be touring around and coming for shows in Wellington in December along with Jordin Sparks, American Idol winner of 2007.

So how many of you guys said to me again, "Why the hell are you going to NewZealand?! Let alone Wellington? It's such a hole!" Etc etc.
Well we do get International stars pawing our shores do we not. Well that's beside the point.
To be honest - so what right?!?!
Just thought I'd personally stoke out on the fact that New Zealand isn't completely invisible to the rest of the "Pop" Music World.

Oh and by the way. I got another piercing. One that would make my Momma scream. Heheh. She's been very well behaved so far with my other ones all over my ears and bellybutton and whatnot. Oh this is precious.

Will show you pictures soon.

And other than that. I swear I've got stomach ulcers! Hurts to eat. Hurts not to eat. Hurts to drink, hurts not to drink.
Oh what to do with myself!
Need to go on the mad 2 week detox. Hopefully.